Who's In Your Circle?

Questions of the Week 

How does a person become part of your inner circle?  

What values test do you use to determine if someone is a match for your values? 

When you intend to get better in an area of your life, who do you seek out? What caused you to seek them? 

What do you consider your greatest weakness and how are you seeking the right relationship to fill the void?

Who’s in Your Rule of 5? 

What is your process to determine who you let get close to you? How does someone reach the highest heights within your company? How do you filter who are your closest friends, mentors, and coaches? Do they share the same mission, vision and values that you have? Have they taken the protective oath or oath of the Knight? 

“Show Me Your Friends and I’ll Show You Your Future.” - Pitbull

What is the oath you might wonder? The ultimate oath of someone you allow close is never pouring poison into your brain. Would they go to battle for you, or perhaps even lead the charge? Would the person you trust most be willing to go down with the ship while playing with you in the band or would they kick your ass off the only floating door in the frozen sea? Great, and now after that reference for the remainder of the evening, I’ll be endlessly walking around humming “My Heart Will Go On.” Doubtfully, you have a process as extreme as my examples when looking for friends, employees, mentors or leaders. Consider asking for a moment, what is my process? When you look at the majority of people and their close relationships, you’ll see a common pattern often referred to as “The Rule of 5,” which means that we tend to be the sum of the 5 people we hang out with most. Like people attract like people. For Example, Take the 5 closest people to you, add up what they financially make annually, and divide by 5 and that’s probably close to what you earn yourself. This isn’t good nor bad, simply evidence that singer Pitbull was right when he said, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” This is why we are so protective and concerned with whom our children associate with. 

“Those closest to you determine your level of success.” – John Maxwell

As a kid who dropped out of HS at 15 and in the 9th grade no less, let me assure you of the truth behind this principle. Point is, in order to advance to your highest potential in life, it’s imperative that you have people in your inner circle who can push you, challenge you, cause you to pause and think differently and there is a mutual give-and-take ongoing in the relationship. Perhaps that’s why the majority of my career I have had two, sometimes as many as three, coaches. Without relationships who provide motivation, inspiration, challenge, care, support, fun, accountability, and learning and a positive Rule of 5, you’ll fail to advance in life and most likely fail backwards. 

The Road to Nowhere 

What happens to those who are oblivious to this Rule of 5? Usually nothing happens to people who don’t understand this rule, as in…. they do nothing with their lives so therefore nothing actually happens, and that’s the saddest part. People usually stay the same or find themselves in the wrong kind of relationships. I’ve personally experienced both sides of this. As a high school dropout, it wasn’t before long that I found my rule of 5 was hanging out with older kids who were already out of school or other dropouts my age. I don’t recall having much ambition in my teens other than to get my first job, buy a car, and hopefully get a girlfriend. 

When I was 17, my best friend growing-up, another dropout like me, is now serving 10 years in prison and will be in his mid-50s upon release. He recently found me on Facebook (who knew there is FB in prison) where he hit me up for money. His brother, who was also a friend, was sadly murdered in prison a few years back. Most of my friends from childhood have been in and out of trouble with the law, including someone I used to be close with as recent as February 2020 was arrested for trafficking drugs from a hotel room in Florida where I grew up. He was placed on $1M bond and had numerous charges most likely leading to an extended prison term. Other friends escaped this path by simply taking their own life intentionally or by taking one to0 many benzodiazepines (Xanax) and never waking up. 

My goal isn’t to shock and it’s also not to sugar-coat the journey of life. In my personal, “Choose Your Own Adventure,” book I’ve fortunately avoided Death row, life in prison, being murdered, suicide, and somehow, I manage to crawl out fairly unscathed. Well not quite…I was saved in a rather awkward and untraditional way. One evening, I found myself at a party full of gang members known as the 69 street Crips. Not a big deal in my mind until I found an attractive girl that apparently was there with someone else. I discovered something about gangs that day…you can be friends with them, yet it doesn’t make you one of them by a long shot. On three separate occasions that evening, I found myself on the wrong end of other people’s fists and feet, yet miraculously made it home to sleep off a beating that warranted a trip to the ER. After a few days of healing and a probable concussion, I made the choice to go back and complete school. One decision is all it takes to alter human trajectory and sometimes that decision is made for you. My decision was to change my circle of 5 at that moment. Unfortunately, one of these friends I grew up with, who lived with us off and on during my teen years is presently sitting in a Florida Maximum Security prison on death row.  

“Every story is either a warning or an example.” 

– Tony Robbins 

After that day, once the bruises healed, turning my life around started with three letters. I passed the G.E.D. on my first attempt, even after not attending public school for three-years and without any preparation classes, which doesn’t say much for public school. Comedian Chris Rock calls it a Good Enough Diploma and he’s not wrong! Next, I enrolled at the local community college and later joined the military. The bottom line, who you surround yourself with matters. Winners have always known this and for others it takes a physical or financial beating to learn this lesson. Who you surround yourself with matters. Who you do business with matters. Should you wake up one day  only to realize that the people you are surrounded by are the wrong people, it’s time to go find a new circle. What keeps that circle together are shared values and if values aren’t a match, moving on is your only option. 

5 Years Ago, I Wrote who I wanted to be in My Circle of 5 or Wealth Determiners. When I recently revisited that exercise, I found two people on the list who warranted making the list for the second time. New goal is to replace the other three, and even better…. Go into business with the person who was top of my list…. And that’s EXACTLY WHAT I’VE DECIDED TO DO… Cheers to the Next chapter. 

Who Are Your 5? Who Do You Want them to Be?

1.  ________________

2.  ________________

3.  ________________

4.  ________________

5.  ________________ 

Reference: John Maxwell’s The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, Law 11 The Law of the Inner Circle  

Five questions to ask when forming your inner circle:

Do they display exemplary character in everything they do?
Deception eats away at a leadership team like cancer. Dishonesty on the part of one member of an inner circle can bring shame and disaster to all. Entire organizations have toppled from the misbehavior of one bad apple.

Do they bring complementary gifts to the table?
Imbalance within an inner circle can attune a leader’s ear to only one side of an argument. When putting together an inner circle, prioritize diversity of personality and perspective. By doing so, you widen the range of your vision and the breadth of your influence.

Do they hold a strategic position and have influence within the organization?
Members of the inner circle must have the platform and influence to implement a leader’s decisions. If they cannot be relied upon to execute a chosen strategy, then they shouldn’t be entrusted with a spot on the leadership team. In addition, inviting uninfluential advisors into the inner circle disrupts the political balance of an organization. High performers suffer a motivational blow when they see a less deserving colleague granted special access to top leadership.

Do they add value to the organization and to the leader?
When considering someone for the inner circle, you should be able to articulate clearly the value they will bring. Ask yourself the following questions: What will they infuse into discussion? Where do they have expertise? What unique skills can they be counted on to bring to the table?

Do they positively impact other members of the inner circle?
If you’ve ever inhabited a house with a feuding husband and wife, then you can understand the need for leaders in close proximity to get along. Infighting saps energy and focus from a senior leader, forcing him or her to mediate conflicts with time that could be better spent elsewhere. Differences of opinion signal healthy debate, but personal animosities destroy a leadership team. Make sure members of your inner circle have the emotional intelligence to keep arguments from becoming too personal.

We’ve looked at the questions to consider when gathering a team of trusted advisors, I’d also like to offer thoughts on the two traps you can fall into when forming their inner circle.

Two common errors in constructing the inner circle:

Soliciting praise instead of candor.

Stacking an inner circle with flatters and “yes” men ranks among the lousiest decisions you can make as a leader. Doing so restricts your perspective, exposes you to blind spots, and leaves you on an island when do-or-die decisions must be made. When picking members of your inner circle, be sure they have the gumption to voice dissent. You’ll rely on them to question your assumptions, to focus you on the mission, and to measure the integrity and worthiness of your ideas.

Driving away talent so that your power isn’t threatened.

The wisdom of accumulating a talented inner circle may seem intuitive, but a rising star may threaten insecure leaders. Leaders should not be, and cannot be, the utmost authorities on all matters germane to the organization. Invariably, people have weaknesses. Wise leaders staff around their weaknesses, and welcome talent in areas where they lack strength.

Summary

Questions to Ask of Candidates for Your Inner Circle:
1. Do they display exemplary character in everything they do?
2. Do they bring complementary gifts to the table?
3. Do they hold a strategic position and have influence within the organization?
4. Do they add value to the organization and to the leader?
5. Do they positively impact other members of the inner circle?

Traps to Avoid when Staffing Your Inner Circle:
1. Soliciting praise instead of candor.
2. Driving away talent so that your power isn’t threatened.